04.29.12
Posted in Goal attainment at 10:32 am by admin
“Patience is bitter, but it’s fruit is sweet.” -Rousseau
An approach to change that I’m experimenting with is radically small slow changes, reinforced repeatedly. To illustrate: I’m a bit out of shape and so my goal is to get back down to my ideal weight (190 pounds). I’m about 210 now so I’ve got some work to do. One of the challenges that keeps getting in my way is I know a LOT about getting in shape and so I want to do it all at once. In other words I’m breaking my own rules about changing too much too quickly.
So I’m forcing myself to slow way down and break down all the habits I need to add to get healthy. I need to drink more water, I need to work out more, I need to lift weights, I need to improve my diet with more raw fruits and veggies and cut out animal products, I need to visualize myself succeeding, etc. Each of these steps is a habit I need to install in my brain so its running on autopilot.
So my radically slow approach is to just focus on water and chewing right now. Every day I focus on drinking at least 10 glasses of water and chewing my food much more slowly than I usually do. I find that just doing these changes takes a lot of conscious effort and a lot of reinforcement. The water is coming along well but the chewing takes a ton of reminding. Every day I drink at least 10 glasses of water, I make a note on my little note pad and I give myself some mental pats on the back. Same for every time I chew a meal thoroughly. And I don’t really pay attention to anything else right now. I don’t mean that I just let myself go and pig out or never work out or anything, just that I work out when I feel like it, I eat healthy when I feel like it, and I focus my mental energy on installing the water and chewing habits. My plan is to keep this up for 30 days, and once I drink water and chew completely without thinking about it, I’ll start on the next behaviors like lifting weights 3 days a week.
This approach isn’t going to get me to my ideal weight any time soon. I expect it will probably be 6 months before I’m back in good shape. But the great news is that its a very easy approach that has a lot of positive momentum built into it. Every day I have lots of small successes to celebrate and I’m finding this generates a lot of momentum, a lot of belief that I will ultimately reach my goal. Even better as far as I’m concerned is that this will ultimately result in my having ingrained a number of very healthy habits that will run totally on autopilot in my life. I’ll have a fit, healthy body, and the habits to maintain it, and I won’t have to think about it much because I’ll have so thoroughly ingrained all the behaviors in my mind.
Like I said, this is something of an experiment. I base this approach on the way I lost 90 pounds in the first place, but this approach is even more radical in its slowness. Even though I was successful before and managed to keep most of the weight off for over 13 years now, still the need to watch my eating and exercise was always in the back of my mind, tying up mental resources. I’d much rather have the habits ingrained so deeply that I never have to think about them anymore or maybe just the occasional tune-up.
So I’ll keep the regular updates coming but I’m already 3 weeks in and seeing some very positive results, just from this process. In fact I’m finding that all the positive momentum I’m generating celebrating all my small victories is leading me to make healthier changes effortlessly, like exercising more and being more motivated to eat healthy. I’ll call those fringe benefits for now. We’ll see how this all plays out…
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04.21.12
Posted in Goal attainment, Mindfulness at 4:46 pm by admin
Quick fix is the enemy of real change. Real lasting change results naturally from cultivating long-term habits. I’ve written about this already so there’s no need to repeat myself here. Accepting that quick fix doesn’t work (and the overwhelming scientific consensus backs this up!) we then have to ask: why are so many of us obsessed with quick fixes? We want cleanses and fad diets that promise to drop 20 pounds in 20 days! The answer is that our desire for quick fix is rooted in self-aggression.
WHY do you want to lose 20 pounds in 20 days? Fundamentally its because you don’t like how you are now, and you want to feel better immediately. I look at my fat belly and I feel bad and I think to myself ” I don’t like being fat. I wish this would go away right now! I wish I was thin and fit!” Most of us think like this so often we don’t even notice how destructive such a mindset is. When we think about ourselves like this, the underlying message we are imprinting in our subconscious “I’m not ok”. This is self-aggression. And it’s toxic. The more we imprint this kind of negativity in our minds, the more we will find ways subconsciously to sabotage our own efforts. Furthermore, we will come to link feeling bad about ourselves with the desire to change! No truly positive change can arise from such a mind state.
I propose an alternative approach. Begin from a place of self-compassion. If I am out of shape and I want to lose some weight, great! I can then consciously think to myself, “OK, I’m not happy with my fitness level. I want to get healthy. I forgive myself for being out of shape and I honor the part of myself that wants to get better. I also honor the part of myself that loves food because that part wants me to be happy too!” Basically the message I want to imprint in my mind is “I’m OK!” With this mindset, the PROCESS of getting healthy becomes good for its own sake, not just an obstacle standing between how I am and how I want to be.
This self-compassionate approach is also essential as we track our progress. Each time we succeed in a weight loss goal, we want to take time and feel good about it. Think kind thoughts to yourself like “good job! you made it to the gym today!” and then FEEL the positive emotions in your body. Not only will this keep you motivated, it will also link positive feelings with the behavior you’re working on. Similarly, when you fall off the wagon, for example not exercising for a week, instead of getting hard on yourself, forgive yourself. Think “OK, I fell off the wagon this week! That’s ok, I’m human. I’ll just get back at it today!” Then renew your commitment. What most of us do is start thinking self-aggressive thoughts and so feel bad about ourselves for failing. This spirals out of control to the point that we feel hopeless about losing weight entirely.
This approach runs counter to the way we typically think in our culture. Most of us have been raised to be hard on ourselves. We believe that self-aggression is necessary to stay motivated. Many people I talk to about weight loss don’t want to hear they should start by being nice to themselves because they’re afraid that this will result in “letting themselves go”. They’re afraid that letting go of self-aggression will result in losing motivation for change. In fact the new research suggests exactly the opposite: a self compassionate approach actually enhances behavior change. One recent study, for example, found that dieters who were instructed to be self-compassionate ate less junk food than those who were given no extra instruction.
You may still be skeptical. I certainly was, being a confirmed self-aggressor for years. I suggest trying it for yourelf. Start being nice to yourself and celebrating your small wins as much as noticing setbacks in your behavior changes. Watch your motivation levels and see if what I suggest is true for you. One important note: be be patient with this. Most likely you have ingrained self-aggression for years and it will take time and conscious mental effort to cultivate self-compassion.
For tips on how to generate self-compassion, I highly recommend Dr. Kristin Neff’s excellent site Self-Compassion.org.
As always if you have a different opinion or want to share anything, I’d love to hear from you!
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07.06.11
Posted in Uncategorized at 12:40 pm by admin
There is no one single magic solution to healthy weight loss. There is no magic pill, no magic diet, no perfect workout plan. Each day I find that I have different needs and different challenges. Some mornings I wake up and have incredible energy! I can’t wait to hit the gym and work myself into exhaustion. Some days I have low energy, I’m tired and depressed and the last thing I want to do is eat salad and lift weights. Each day my mind is in a different place and my mind is the root of personal change. So I have to always remind myself to be flexible, to be supple. Yesterday’s solutions don’t necessarily work today.
I find it helpful to remember the Buddhist notion of the illusory nature of self. Here in the West, we seem fascinated by the idea of personality. We have personality tests and typologies and we love to talk about our particular personal quirks. We are in love with the idea of a solid self. But ancient Buddhist teachings and modern neuroscience seem to more and more agree that the very notion of a stable self is an illusion. We change constantly. The more I can let go of my story, the more I can be present in the moment with whatever I need right now, the more I am able to remain on track with my goals.
See, its easy to get discouraged when I think I’ve found the magic formula and it works for a week, or a month, and then suddenly my state of mind changes and I need a fresh approach. I think, “what’s wrong with me?” “why can’t I stick with anything?” I was doing so well last week, eating healthy and working out, and here I am with my face in a carton of Ben and Jerry’s! These moments are critical because I have two choices- I can despair and resign myself to failing, or I can realize that I am a different person than I was even yesterday, and I may need a new approach today. Maybe today I need more compassion and patience. Maybe today its ok if I eat a little junk food and don’t work out. I can forgive myself this temporary lapse, and reframe it as an opportunity to get back on the horse.
I’m not saying that we shouldn’t have an overall fitness plan, just that excessive self-discipline is actually a weakness. Overly-rigid thinking limits us and makes it too easy to say “well I blew my health kick so I guess I’ll just give up! maybe next week…” sound familiar? A more useful way to think might be “well today I
didn’t get all my goals and I forgive myself. I’m going to work with where I am now, and refocus on my goals.” Then reflect on all the positive steps you’ve taken recently towards your fitness goal and use the positive energy that arises to get back on track in small, manageable steps. Self-compassion creates space for new solutions to arise. The more you can practice this kind of approach, the more you’ll be able to remain balanced in the face of the inevitable sea-changes that arise in the mind.
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06.03.11
Posted in Mindfulness, Techniques at 12:32 pm by admin
I find myself habitually asking “why?” obsessively. “Why can’t I lose weight?” “Why is so and so mean to me?” “Why is my apartment always a mess?” etc ad nauseum. I don’t think I’m alone in this problem. I think a lot of us are why-freaks. In fact people I have coached nearly always have detailed explanations of their situation that imply a thorough self-analysis with lots of “why?” No therapist needed.
The problem with always asking “why?” is that our brain will always find a way to answer the question – regardless if the answer it generates is true or not. And true or not, the more we think something the more we come to believe it and to easily access that answer in the future. In other words, asking “why?” of ourselves habitually will often lead to a solidified series of answers – I can’t lose weight because XYZ happened when I was a kid, or I don’t have enough willpower, or its not the right time in my life, etc. These answers may or may not be absolutely true, but the more we think about them the more they become true for US!
I find a much more useful question is “What?” “What will motivate me to work out more?” “What will make me happy today?” “What is one thing I can do to be healthier in my life?” etc. The beauty of asking “what?” is it allows for new ideas to come into our minds. New solutions to existing problems. “Why?” only analyzes existing problems and solidifies them in our minds. “What?” helps us to see ways out.
I’m not saying you should never ask “why?”, only that “why?” is really only useful as a problem identifier. Once a problem has been noticed, focus attention on generating new ideas and solutions by asking “what?” questions. And then be sure to put some of those solutions into action! This isn’t The Secret, and you still have to do the hard work. The good news is that the more you act on your new ideas, the more powerful they become in your mind.
“What” are you going to do with this idea today?
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03.24.11
Posted in Mindfulness at 4:17 pm by admin
We’re told over and over again to just “think positive!” We’re told to visualize positive outcomes, to use affirmations, to reframe failures as successes. This advice is well-meaning, and there is some truth to it, but if you just “think positive!” all the time you’re setting yourself up for massive failure.
Lets consider what’s implied by the advice to think positive. You’re thoughts (at least in part) shape your experience of the world. If you think “negative” thoughts that’s what you experience. The same for positive thoughts. So the thing to do is block or remove negative thoughts and choose positive ones instead. This makes complete logical sense and its TOTAL B.S.
Our minds just dont work like this. By blocking or resisting thoughts, we actually create MORE negative thoughts. Because what’s the thought implied by resisting a thought? Why “No” of course! We are saying “NO” to whatever negative thought we just had. “I shouldn’t think that thought, I need to think a positive thought instead.” No itself is a negative thought. You can easily see why resisting your thoughts will quickly lead to a downward spiral of mental negativity. The more you resist, the more negative your mind becomes. This can further result in stress, anxiety, physical symptoms, obsessive thoughts, etc.
The same problem results from “just thinking positive!” By constantly thinking positive thoughts, you are in effect controlling your thoughts. Which means that when any thought arises that isn’t “positive” you will have to resist it and we’re back to the spiral problem I described above.
This isn’t to say that there isn’t any benefit to positive thinking, just that’s its a much more subtle and complex process than most self-help literature in our culture would lead you to believe. To make good use of positive thinking, first you need to practice compassion towards your present mental state. As we’ve seen, any kind of resistance to your mental state just creates more negativity. So be compassionate towards whatever you’re thinking right now. Don’t argue with your thoughts, don’t try to change them, just let them be. And gradually your mind will relax. This process will typically take at least 10 minutes, although with practice it will come easier.
Think of it as clearing a space in your mind to plant a positive thought. You can’t plant anything in a garden full of weeds (negative thoughts), but unlike gardening we can’t just attack the weeds to create space. The only way to create space for positive thinking is to first generate a positive state of mind. And this can only come about when you stop resisting your current mental state.
So think your positive thought, put positive, sincere emotion behind it, and then let it go! And make compassionate space for whatever arises, positive or negative, in your mind. Greet each thought with kindness. This is the hard way, the long way, the painful way, to positive change. And its also the only way that actually works.
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03.18.11
Posted in Fitness, Goal attainment, Techniques at 4:51 pm by admin
Find ways to make it fun. If exercise was really really FUN, you’d do it all the time right? Imagine looking forward to going to the gym, feeling excited and happy to be there, and feeling great about yourself after you leave. Imagine if working out (one of the absolutely healthiest things you can do) was like a low grade, positive addiction in your life.
Imagine if you felt bad by NOT working out. Would you want to feel this way about exercise? How would your life be better?
One of the biggest mistakes I’ve made (and continue to make) about getting in shape is focusing on the “Work” part of working out. Getting hard on myself to “whip myself into shape.” Getting down on myself about my current fitness level. Getting mad at myself if I set goals to work out and then don’t achieve them. Turning working out into another chore, like doing the dishes. Using my willpower to force changes on myself!
I think our culture generally encourages us to be hard on ourselves. As a coach, one of the most consistent things I find with clients, as well as myself, is a tendency towards being excessively self-critical. Unfortunately, this kind of hyper self-criticism is counter-productive. And insidious. Most of us have so thoroughly internalized a critical voice that we don’t even notice it’s there.
Excessive self-criticism is counter-productive because we learn to associate FEELING BAD with exercise (or whatever else we’re trying to get ourselves to do on a regular basis). We literally hard wire a circuit in our brains that links exercise with negative feelings. Is it any wonder, then, that most people have such a hard time building a long-term exercise habit?
The solution is to take conscious control of this wiring process. Deliberately think positive thoughts about yourself when you work out. Think how great you feel after a good workout and then FEEL that in your body. Think how happy you are to be getting healthier and fitter. Think how great you’ll look when you get in great shape. If you set a work out goal and don’t meet it, instead of beating yourself up mentally, think about the times that you successfully made it to the gym and be grateful to yourself for that.
This may sound like mushy, new age, positive thinking. The truth is that I’ve met very very few people in life, and as a coach, who truly lacked willpower. Most of us have excellent willpower. The problem is not a lack of willpower; its the exact opposite! Most of us use WAY too much willpower! Think of willpower as an emergency override switch in your mind that you can flip to ensure that a critical action is taken. If a bear is charging you, you use your willpower to override fear and fire your gun (or run the hell away!) Using willpower is not meant to be a full-time habit and using it this way just creates stress, negativity, and even physical pain in our lives.
The only way to build a true, long-term, healthy workout habit (or any other life habit), is slow, steady, gentle, patient, and FUN behavior, repeated again and again until it becomes automatic.
I use working out as an example here, but this process can be used for any habit that you’re trying to build. All that’s required is patience (it can take at least a month or two to set in a new association so patience is critical!), self-compassion, and repetition.
p.s. I’m borrowing a lot from Tony Robbins with this post. I don’t agree with everything Tony says, but one thing I do believe in very much is the power of habitually creating associations in our minds (because I’ve used it myself very successfully and have seen others do the same).
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11.14.10
Posted in Mindfulness at 9:52 pm by admin
Building on my last post, (and diverging from the weight loss topic) I’ve been doing a lot of work with mindfulness meditation lately and I’ve noticed some real benefits. I’ve noticed a paradox in my practice of meditation – that learning to let go actually makes me more focused and productive.
My whole academic/career life, I’ve thought that the solution to a lack of focus was tightening up my mind – pushing out all other thoughts that may distract me and really concentrating on what I’m doing. What I’ve begun to discover through meditation is that really, this tightening up actually makes my mind more wild and less focused. When I bring in spacious relaxation, I can work longer, with fewer distractions and more ease.
As it relates to productivity, this is very helpful! When I notice distracting thoughts coming up, instead of resisting them I just let them float away. And the more I do this, the easier I find it is to stay focused on my task. For example, I’ve been working today, quite intensely for over 6 hours straight, as I write these words. But I feel very relaxed, comfortable, refreshed, energetic… I could probably work for 6 more hours, if Starbucks wasn’t about to close and kick me out!
I’m not saying that relaxation is necessarily the key to productivity- because your mind is different from mine. You may need to train in getting more focused… who knows? The point is, that meditation can help you learn to work with your mind effectively. You will start to notice what your mind is doing in each moment, and be able to work (compassionately) with it.
Btw- I’m not talking about meditating for hours a day. I’ve been practicing as little as 10 minutes in the mornings and seeing some great results! I highly recommend that you try it for yourself and see what your mind is really up to.
Also, a very nice post about mindfulness by Penelope Trunk
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10.07.10
Posted in Mindfulness at 5:56 pm by admin
A theme of my blog has been that real, long-term weight loss can’t be achieved through simple tactics. There is no quick fix and anybody who wants to sell a simple solution to a complex and individual problem like obesity has only one true goal: profiting at your expense. Success in this area of your life (and honestly any area that’s actually worthy of success) requires deep mental and emotional work. You can approach this work in a number of ways: therapy, coaching, prayer, etc. Personally, I’ve found that the ultimate tool in this work is mindfulness.
You may have heard the term mindfulness many times. Usually its associated with meditation, especially Buddhist meditation. You may believe that the purpose of mindfulness is relaxation and stress relief. You may even resist this idea, conjuring images in your mind of zoned-out, chanting hippie, sitting in lotus position and escaping reality. And many people do use meditation for precisely this goal. However, true practice of mindfulness is about facing the TRUTH of reality in its most basic form, and is one of the most profound and transformative practices you can engage it. This has tremendous implications for many aspects of your life, including weight loss.
If you’re not meditating now, I urge you to start! Just 10 minutes a day can have a huge transformative effect, if you are willing to stick with it. At first it will be hard, it will be boring, it will seem annoying. You may find yourself getting more stressed out while meditating because you can’t seem to do it right. If you keep practicing with patience, gentleness, and compassion, you will find your mental state starting to change. Mindfulness meditation trains your mind to focus, to let go of distractions, to compassionately accept yourself as you are in the moment. This kind of training lies at the root of habit formation. You’ll think more clearly, you’ll let go of annoyances more easily, you won’t get distracted as quickly by momentary desires and emotions. When you fall off the wagon, you’ll be quicker to forgive yourself and also quicker to get back on! You’ll also develop greater awareness of your hidden motivations behind eating and exercise behaviors and discover greater control. I’ll blog more about this topic soon!
Be careful about choosing an appropriate instructional resource. Don’t just do a Google search for meditation and follow the first set of instructions you read. Many of the so-called experts on the web offer advice that is counter-productive. Seek out a true expert. I highly recommend Pema Chodron’s course “How to Meditate” Her approach to meditation is simple, easy to follow, and very effective.
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09.26.10
Posted in Fitness, Goal attainment at 1:58 pm by admin
When people ask me for weight loss advice I find that consistently most of them are making one key mistake – they are searching for a quick fix. Many of my female friends talk about doing “cleanses”, or needing to drop 10 pounds to fit into a bridesmaid’s dress in 3 weeks, etc. Inevitably (and regrettably) such attempts fail. The simple fact is that there is NO QUICK FIX to achieve real weight loss. In fact, your body’s innate tendency towards homeostasis will actively fight attempts to rapidly change its composition. The truth that most of us don’t want to face is that real change is only achieved through slow, steady, patient habit formation.
We turn to quick fix solutions because we are unhappy with our current fitness level and we want change. We can see in our minds eye how we want to look and feel, and we want our reality to reflect this image immediately. And we’ve been conditioned by modern culture to expect immediate solutions to all our problems. We see TV and magazine ads for “miracle” diets that will melt away pounds so often its hard not to see though the lie they are selling.
Unfortunately, quick fixes are an illusion – they ignore the truth about how our bodies and minds work. While you can microwave a burrito in a minute, or take aspirin to relieve a headache, your body doesn’t respond this kind of treatment when it comes to diet and activity level. You have spent years developing your current nutrition and fitness habits. It is counterproductive to expect to change such habits in weeks. Patience, patience, patience.
Step 1 to habit formation is to completely accept yourself as you are. You may be unhappy with how you look right now, that’s fine. Accept wherever you are with compassion. As long as you are coming from a place of nonacceptance (which is the root of the search for quick fixes) you are in a subtle state of aggression against your own body. No healthy and productive change can come from such a state of mind. Fully accept your body right now, and recognize that it will take time to make real change. Most serious weight loss experts will tell you that the maximum amount of FAT you can reasonably expect to lose in a month is 4-5 pounds. Any more than that is unrealistic and unhealthy. You can lose more WEIGHT on quick fix diets, but this will be water weight and 99% of the time it will come back.
Step 2 is to set a concrete, realistic goal for yourself. I’ve already written about goal setting earlier so refer to earlier posts for advice on this topic.
Step 3, implement your goal. Be patient with yourself. Take time to recognize small successes. Take time to reward yourself. Be easy on yourself if you fall off the wagon (more on this important topic soon!). Tension and hostile, self-critical thoughts will only hold you back. Recognize that changing habits takes time, and that its perfectly normal to not make perfect change immediately. Gradually, through consistent reinforcement you will start seeing improvements. Be prepared for this process to take months, even if you want to only lose a few pounds. Even if you aren’t seeing outward changes immediately, you are building a set of habits that will ensure that you maintain long-term fitness for a lifetime!
This process may sound tedious and painful. You may be thinking to yourself that it doesn’t apply to you, that you’ve been fit and healthy your whole life and only need to lose a few pounds. After you drop that weight you’ll be right back to your old life again! This is the kind of thinking that quick fix peddlers prey on. The truth is that you’ve been creating the habits that have led to your current fitness level over a period of months and years. You can’t undo such wiring overnight.
The good news is that, once installed, healthy habits will run in your mind on an unconscious level. Quick fix approaches require constant attention and effort. Wouldn’t you rather take the time to properly install a few healthy habits and then focus on other things? You have better things to think about in your life than which carbs you’re allowed to eat this week!
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08.13.10
Posted in Mindfulness at 1:01 pm by admin
Relaxation and Clarity
Its so important to relax. Thinking is a physiological process as much as a cognitive one, and a tense body generates tense thoughts.
When it comes to achieving our goals, its easy to get caught up in a mindset of constant achievement. We’re always thinking about what we want to achieve, what we need to do next, planning and scheduling in our minds. Often we get so busy thinking about our goals that we forget to ask ourselves what we really want. Just because a goal makes sense to me today doesn’t mean that it will in a year, a month, or even tomorrow. To create real, long lasting, meaningful goals, we want to be sure that they are in tune with our deepest emotional selves, as well as our logical plans. By relaxing, we can open ourselves up to clearer and more effective goals. We can also get answers to difficult questions, or stumbling blocks that (inevitably) occur on our path to achievement.
Unfortunately, many of us have forgotten how to relax. In fact I’ve spoken with a number of people as a coach who tell me that they even get more stressed out by their inability to relax. A truly vicious cycle.
If we’ve forgotten how to relax, then there’s only one thing for it – we will have to practice relaxation on a regular basis until it becomes habitual. Meditation can be very helpful here, or yoga, or walking in the woods, or a hot bath, etc. If you haven’t truly relaxed in a while, it will be hard at first. When I first started really practicing relaxation, my mind would be racing, I’d be worried about all the things I had to achieve, I’d be worried about being lazy, I’d be judging myself for sitting and watching TV when I could be doing something meaningful. Whenever thoughts like these came up, I’d just let them be and repeat my intention to be physically and mentally relaxed. Now I know I won’t stay in such a state forever, but I find that even spending just an hour a day in relaxation brings great benefit to the rest of my life. And this is easy, I’m talking relaxation while driving a car, relaxation while watching TV, relaxation while shopping for groceries, while walking, listening to music, etc. Relaxation doesn’t have to be some kind of heroic, enlightened state, and thinking about it that way just makes it more stressful.
Once you’ve entered a relaxed state, you can start asking yourself questions about your life, your goals, what you want, whatever is holding you back. It is VERY important to ask these questions of yourself in a compassionate, non-judgmental way or this process will do more harm than good. If you’re like me, you’ll find that when you ask yourself a question like “how would I like to lose 10 pounds right now?” your mind will immediately jump in with logical answers. I find it helpful to acknowledge these answers, but then wait for more. Often I’ll wait many minutes before deeper, truer answers come up. Sometimes I don’t want to hear my own answers because they can reveal difficult or painful truths. I find that usually, it is by acknowledging these painful truths that I can ever make any real progress.
So if you’re stuck in a rut, if you keep getting hung up on the same problems in your life, try spending some time relaxing, asking yourself questions, and then listening compassionately for the answers.
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